dwolfhunter: (Woof2)
Proof that it never goes away...the other day. As I was walking in Philly' I saw a face I knew. I shouted his name and began walking toward him. I repeated his name several times as I approached him. "Hey manno, it's ME, Sparks! Dude, it's ME!" The young Hispanic man looked at me like I was out of my frigging mind...and he was entirely correct to do so. The name I was calling him by was that of a man who died in the 80's/90's. A man I saw die, whose blood I wore for days afterward. A man who served with me in a "very bad place". The young man was ok after I had apologised and explained that I had taken him for someone else. I went home and unashamedly poured myself a drink to calm my nerves. It never really goes away.

Trust

Nov. 15th, 2010 09:42 am
dwolfhunter: (Default)
Trust is a funny thing. It's right up there with Respect and Loyalty...you know, things that can be easily lost when the recipient of those qualities ceases to justify them. I have no faith in my employers' ability to help anyone at this point. It seems that we are merely re-arranging deckchairs on the Titanic, in order to appear to be doing something that will mollify the public and the government so that we have time to craft the next weapon of mass- distraction.
I no longer trust someone I had considered one of my best friends in the whole world. Reconsideration of that relationship keeps coming up with a cost-benefit analysis where I have been cost more than I have benefitted. I keep getting the impression that being that person's friend is causing others to ostracise DerBaroness and I. We are already short of friends here...we don't need to lose more.
I have no respect for the Leadership at this company. They are Tax fattened hyenas with all the effrontery and conscience of a pack of dockside rats, and the sense of loyalty of a Marseille hooker. They persist in telling the rank-and-file that "Everything's Great!!" when we can read the papers and analyse the way the market is going and we KNOW otherwise. Admittedly, many of my co workers are ostriches of the first water...but then so are most Americans.
I have no faith in fealty anymore...I cannot bring my self to serve and be servile to one person anymore. I feel as if I expended all of the energy it took to be a good squire in the eleven years I spent with Morguhn. Blindly seeking a place to belong and taking the only hand that was offered was an error. I love the man who offered and I have faith in him and respect for him...more than I have in many, in fact. If service is love made visible, as I was taught, perhaps I need to re-examine the nature of love?( that's a whole 'nother post)
I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of being convinced/inveigled/connived into thinking I was desirable, or skilled, or "just-the-right-fit" and being slapped in the face by betrayal. How am I supposed to lose the cynicism and have more trust in my fellow shaved-apes when they keep proving my inner-voices right?
I am losing faith in faith...again. The Gods have stopped talking to me. Through me. I supress and soft- pedal my faith on a daily basis...because admitting it to my co-workers would be disastrous. They believe that I am a Unitarian...which is as close as I am willing to to allow them to my actual faith path. I have not worshipped with anyone -as i have been taught to- in six years...nearly seven. It is taking it's toll.
This is whingey. I agree wholeheartedly...however, it's also an attempt to review and address what's making me feel the way I feel and then confront it. I hate this process, but it works. It's hard to lead, command, dominate or create when you feel the way I feel...so I need to feel better.
dwolfhunter: (Default)
For reasons I do not intend to address here in this forum , I have separated myself from the informal fealty I had previously served under the purple Duke. Suffice it to say that we are still friends and he and I have no animosity toward each other. The best way to defuse any oncoming stupidity is to take it head on and deal with it...nothing that I do not SPECIFICALLY confirm about this situation is true.

As to whether I intend to do anything other than go it alone for the rest of my SCA career... If you wanna know, ask me in person.
dwolfhunter: (PANZER)
Memorial Day caught me funny this year. I was less consumed by my feelings as a veteran than I was by my sense of loss and remembrance for my former knight. My mantra as I fought through the heat and the suck on Saturday last was: "I'm still here John. Still doing it like you taught me to. I am still here." Like I was invoking some guiding spirit or appealing to heaven for help. It kept me going. I didn;t win, but I didn't go out a loser either.
Then , on Sunday, a chance conversation steered me away from doing pick-ups on the field to fighting melees with the baronial team. I was tired, beat, not feeling at all confident in my skills due to the suck of Saturday...but His Excellency, the Baron, called me to battle...and anyone who knows me knows I will be dead three days before I fail to answer a call to battle.
So there I stood in the dappled shade of the ravine. Shoulder to shoulder with brave companions. In what might be called, my natural environment...or at least my preferred habitat. We fought at a run. Running and gunning because we were short on weapons depth and we needed to minimize the impact of spears and polearms. Since the batrtles were wounds retained and since you fought the next battle with what you had left from the one you'd just won...there came a point where I was alone on the field and facing a fresh team of seven armed foes.
I was hot, sweating like a clay jar and blowing hard. I could feel my shoulders sagging as I stood there watching them come on. Caer Mear was cheering me on from the sidelines, knowing full well that I was probably about to be mulched. Onward they came...and then one of them gave vent to a small expression of hubris. He looked at me and saw a fat old man. A fat old man drooping in the heat and out of breath...and he smiled.
The smile was too much...it said that he and his buddies were expecting no trouble at all from the "old fat guy". The mantra I'd been chanting all weekend droned loud in my skull..."Still here. I am still here. I am Still here John!". The last thing I truly remember from the fight itself was the look of sick horror on two of their faces and I set my shoulders and exploded at them. Determined that they were not going to get out of this fight unscathed and I was not going down anyway but swinging for the fences.
We won the tourney. Not directly because of me, but we won. I won a victory inside my self though. I stood against my foes and fought with skill and honor, as he taught me. I stood for my Barony right or wrong , as he taught me. I stood by my brothers in arms, as he taught me.
I succeeded, because he taught me. I'm Still here John. Still doing it like you taught me. Still here!
dwolfhunter: (GONNA GETCHOO SUCKA!!)
This time last week I was driving, and crying. Driving to my former home in NY to say good bye to "The Boss". I am DWolfhunter, Dennis Michael Sparks, Baron Hamish MacLeod, that mad fat bastard at the end of the bar...yeah, that's me. I am old, fat, scarred and tattooed. I look and often sound like Shrek, with a beard. I fight in armor for fun and I sing and compose poetry to soothe my soul. I am married to my lover and partner, We have no secrets between us. None. Ever.
Thirty things I have done that nobody else reading this has done...

1:Met Ian Anderson on a sidewalk in Utica NY, as well as being the scribe on an "Order of the Troubador" scroll given him by the East Kingdom(SCA).
2:Disarmed a nuclear weapon
3: told dirty jokes while disarming a nuclear weapon
4:Jumped out of a helo ,over water,at roughly 110 mph.>ow!<
5:Once told a King(SCA) to go to hell and gave him the gas money to get him there.
6: been buried alive...yes, buried.
7: Used a bayonet for its ACTUAL designed purpose
8: Used native (panamanian indian) "medicines" to "vision quest".
9: Worked in a medical school morgue as a work-study job at university.
10: Actually lived in a house in Scotland (where I was born) that was old when Columbus sailed to America.
11: Spent a sunny Fall afternoon covered head to toe in baby raccoons.
12:held a recently living human brain in the palms of my hands.
13:Booby trapped a squadmate's room with trip-wires and artillery simulators
14:Caused a kingdom herald to "spit-take" during a royal court. (not pretty, never do this)
15:gotten busted playing dice with two parish priests by the principal(nun) of my Catholic grade school.
16:painted "Hah! Missed me" next to a bullet wipe on my Kevlar helmet.
17:paid the equivalent of several hundred dollars for a multi-course dinner where every dish(and I do mean "EVERY") was alive. (aren't the Japanese such clever people?)
18:Brained a second lieutenant with a chair during a fight in a German Gasthaus and got away with it.
19: used a pistol as a can-opener(long story)
20: jumped up and down on an armed landmine(anti-tank) without detonating it.
21: climbed ALL the steps of The pyramid at Tehotihuacan on a bet
22: I have killed a man. Several actually( no, I didn't keep count), in combat. Not proud of it. But happy to be alive...they WERE trying to end me, after all.
23: Taught a class in herbal toxicology without a degree in botany, pharmacology or toxicology. The class was called "Herbal toxins of the Medieval world...Or poisoning for fun and profit".
24: Defused a "suspicious package" in a military PX complex that turned out to be a metronome packaged for shipping to the US.
25: Hunted and killed a wild boar (european boar) with a spear
26:Given away thousands of dollars worth( figuring material costs and labor costs) of my artwork (calligraphy, leather and stained glass)free to people whom I barely knew.
27: Taught Japanese swordsmanship in my front yard (how I met my wife).
28: Handled National Security documents as part of my job.
29: Had a fully armored horse and rider accidentally stand on my foot as I passed the rider a lance.
30: Was once (as forfeit on a prank I had pulled) forced to appear as the Pope in public places for a year

In three days I turn forty-five. I have lived for my adventures and my friends.Lately I find myself looking at how fragile life is, and starting to apply the brakes. Well no more of that, as of right now I'm saying "NO...ohhhhh NO, no effing way. Now is not the time to start playing it safe. No way do I tiptoe safely through what remains of my life just to safely die in bed. Not this Old Black Wolf. Not me. Yer gonna have to hunt me down and KILL me before I die. I am Hamish/Dennis...yeah, I'm right here! Come and get me!"

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