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[personal profile] dwolfhunter
Two of my greatest chivalric inspirations are dead...Morguhn and Aradydd were so much the knights I wanted to be. Most of the rest of my heroes and old inspirations are retiring or aging out...and here I sit at fifty three, having authorized in 1978 and having sworn to the fates I would be a knight by the time I had turned 35( I wish someone had just said "Hey Hamish, it's not going to happen...give it up). Still needing , what? Inspiration ? to belong? To serve as a squire? Hah! Never again. I just don't have the heart for it.
So what am I chasing? Why am I still doing this? Gods above and below, I love the competition and I enjoy the comraderie. But are they enough to keep me going at this age? I dunno...I am discouraged and disappointed. I don't CARE about things like I used to. I feel...like I need to feel again.

Date: 2017-04-18 03:06 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] much_ado
IS the love of the sport in and of itself not sufficient reason to pursue excellence? If not, maybe it's time to hang up the swords, for a while at least, if not for good.

(When people ask me why I stopped doing embroidery, or even most sewing, for fifteen years, and why I stopped being willing to say I Do Art at all, it's because I lost the love of it, and I knew if I pushed too hard to get back to it before I was ready to love it for itself, I was just going to end up hating it completely. You sound like you're lost in a similar way, so maybe it's time to stop pushing toward something you don't want, and direct all that energy into something you love instead?)

Date: 2017-04-18 02:55 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] much_ado
Then it might make sense to figure out what facets of your fighting you want to improve for the sake of improving your fighting. Pick one facet, and make it Your Thing for one year, then move on to the Next Thing. If there are other fighters you respect and appreciate enough to help guide your metrics more objectively, get them to fight you at the beginning of that year with an eye ton gauging Your Thing, then fight them again at the end of the year to reassess and evaluate how things have changed. You don't necessarily need to make a Big Production out of finding what you love; just focus on techniques and smaller specifics that will change how you do the thing that you love to do. You don't need a Knight for that, you just need to build a different kind of "peer support" network who know what you're doing and what you're asking from them in terms of evaluative engagement. Then, just go out and learn the shit out of That Thing from anyone and everyone who has something to teach you; retain what's useful and jettison what isn't. Next year, do the same thing with a different aspect of what you love. Different focus, probably some change in the teachers, new challenges in integrating the learning with your regular practice. Keep in new, but keep it focused. Always Be Learning.

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